Book of Eli

So I meant to post this earlier, but it turns out I accidentally saved it as a draft!  Woops.

The Book of Eli

I’m a huge Denzel fan, let me just go ahead and admit that.  Secondly, I’m a huge fan of the post-apocalyptic genre.

There was probably no way I wasn’t going to see Book of Eli.

For me, the movie did not disappoint.  Denzel plays the stoic and calm defender of a book that holds the secrets to saving humanity.  Aligned opposite of Eli is Carnegie, portrayed by an energetic and scene chewing Gary Oldman.  Carnegie, has been sending raiders out to find the book because he believe the book is a weapon that will help him gain power and expand his reach from one small wasteland town to the rest of America.

I don’t want to spoil anything, but if you haven’t figured out the book is a Bible from the trailer then… dang dude, it’s only the world wide best seller, everyday of every year.

Which kind of brings me to a couple of nitpicky points about the movie.  It is asking a lot of an audience to believe that there is only one Bible left in the world considering how many of them there are.  I have three alone in my house and one in my car – and dang dude, it’s only the world wide best seller, everyday of every year.

Anyway, sometimes you have to except certain plot points to power a movie and I can absolutely do that here due to all the other strong pieces of this film.

If you like the genre, or like the Fallout games, and as long as you aren’t someone who gets a case of the vapors because there is a  Bible in the movie, then you should see and will like this movie.

Rating: 4/5  

Is it Buy worthy?

Absolutely.  As a fan of Fallout, post-apocalyptic fiction, Denzel, and movies with strong morality at play – this is a no brainer.

Wisdom of the Ages

“When all is said and done, a whole lot more is said than done” – My Dad

Quick Reviews 2!

Waiting.

As someone who personally spent two years as waiter working at a TGIFridays in Houston let me come right out and say that this movie is a frighteningly accurate portrayal of life as a food server.  I have witnessed incidents very similar to if not exactly as they are portrayed in the movie.

If you have seen the movie, knowing this stuff can and has happened may disturb you greatly, and believe me I sympathize with you.  However there is something you can do about it, don’t be rude to your server – they handle your food.

Rating: 3/5  

Lake Placid 2.

This was this a Sci-Fi channel movie of the week and it involes a bunch of stupid people getting eaten by not one, not two, but four very large CGI crocodiles.  The dialogue was ripe with one-liners such as “After while crocodile”  followed by our hero Bo Duke shooting the CGI crocodile with a grenade launcher (I’m not joking).  The movie was so dumb it was funny – people are getting eaten left and right and no one really seems to care, which is fantastically honest because the audience surely doesn’t care either.  Overall, still worth a watch if you are curious as to what Bo Duke is doing since he left Smallville.

Rating: 3/5  

Kaw

You probably don’t need me to tell you how bad Kaw was.  It wasn’t the bad special effects or the bad acting (which wasn’t actually that bad) it was just plain old ‘bad’ in the sense that nothing made sense.

You have Ravens or Crows or whatever that actually use rocks as weapons!  Yes that’s right, ravens using rocks.  When people in the movie would hide behind glass or something, the ravens would pick up rocks and throw them at the windows.  Oh, but they were just getting started!  Soon the ravens develop the brain power to cut the local electricity and take out emergency lights!

What I don’t get is how the the birds were able to kill people by simply scratching them.  The birds never inflicted an injury more severe than a scratch – honestly some bactine and a band aid and these people would have been right as rain.

Rating: 2/5  

The 13th Warrior

Based on the novel Eaters of the Dead by Michael Crichton which in turn is based on the epic Anglo-Saxon poem Beowulf, this movie is Hollywood’s take on that novel… about a poem.

I remember seeing this movie in the theaters and I loved it.  Remember, this was before Lord of the Rings.  It had been ages since a good heroic fantasy movie had been released on the big screen and for all its historic flaws, it was very bold and  entertaining.

The basic plot of the story is that Buliwyf (aka Beowulf) is summoned by King Hrothgar far to the north to help fight an ancient evil, the Wendol, which has returned and is killing everyone.

After consulting with a witch woman, Buliwyf is told he can only send 13 warriors to help.  Of those 13, one of which must NOT be a Norseman.  That is how Ibn (Antonio Banderas), a visiting Arab, gets drafted into the adventure.  Ibn acts as a translator and as our eyes through this journey with the Norseman and the Norse culture.

The movie is full of great, cheesy, and macho dialog.  Moments before the Wendol attack one of the vikings, Herger, gives combat instructions to Ibn, telling him what to expect.  Ibn sheepishly replies that he is not a warrior to which  Herger stoically replies, “Very soon, you will be.”

Eventually the vikings led by Buliwyf discover the true nature of the attackers and make a heroic last stand against them to save the people of King Hrothgar’s village.

Buliwyf at the End.

“Merciful Father, I have squandered my days with plans of many things. This was not among them. But at this moment, I beg only to live the next few minutes well. For all we ought to have thought, and have not thought; all we ought to have said, and have not said; all we ought to have done, and have not done; I pray thee God for forgiveness.”

- Ibn, before the final battle.

Wonderfully cheesy and it never fails to entertain!  Great battles, great characters, and a great take on an epic story.  If you like this sort of thing, you should check this movie out.

Rating: 4/5  

Classy Lines from Classy Movies

“You wait your whole life for a single moment, and then suddenly it’s tomorrow.”

Indeed.  Classy advice from the always classy movie, Deep Blue Sea.

Full Throttle

Right now if you drank from
that very same well
you’d need a run of luck
to score a bed in a trick hotel

So I’m laying in bed reading when my mind wanders and I start thinking about memorable video games.  I don’t just mean games that were ‘cool’ or whatever, I mean games that actually had interesting kick-ass characters and stories.

There are a LOT of them, Planescape: Torment, Star Control 2, Darklands, and many more.

One of my favorites was a game I played a couple of years after getting out of the Army, Tim Schafer’s Full Throttle.  The game had so much personality and style…I just…just…here, watch this 12 year old trailer for the game:

Wonderful art, animation, style, music from an authentic early 90′s rock band, ‘The Gone Jackals’ complete with mean guitar licks, and oh…how could I forget the voice acting?!  The voice acting is simply top-notch with Mark Hamil, The Late Great Roy Conrad, Maurice LaMaurche, and many, many more.

The actual game takes place in sort of a near future dystopia in which you take on the role of Ben, the leader of a biker gang, ‘The Polecats’.

Ben is man of principal…principally kicking ass.  He doesn’t sell out to the man, take guff from mouthy bartenders, he doesn’t abandon his gang, he isn’t afraid to throw down with rival biker gangs, he knows how to talk to the ladies, and he knows when to ride out into the sunset leaving the ladies wanting more, and he NEVER  EVER gives up.

Here is a video that shows the introduction that the game opens with.  It sets the tone, pace, environment, and mood perfectly.  This is a game from an era that will probably never, ever come again:

It’s one of those games that everyone should play, but in this, the age of Halo 3 and 15+ million game budgets, just isn’t appreciated anymore unless you are an old timer…like me.

Rating: 5/5  

Quick Reviews!

The Mist.

While I really enjoyed Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile, Frank Darabont’s take on Stephen King’s The Mist was frustrating viewing experience to say the least.  I don’t know if the blame lies with Frank Darabont, Stephen King, or a increasingly liberal and morally relativistic Hollywood – but I am tired of movies like this.  Rather than the main antagonist in the story being the titular “mist” or the creatures that live in it, it is instead a devout Christian woman who for some crazy reason demands blood sacrifices to like a crazy pagan.  Oh also in this movie the military are depicted as incompetent at best and as harbingers of destruction at worst.

The movie is also annoyingly preachy – we aren’t 10 minutes into the movie and someone launches into a diatribe about how the government wastes money on bombs instead of education, ignoring the fact that the government spends more money per child than almost any other country in the world with precious little to show for it.

Even if you don’t care or if you agree with the view of religion and politics in the movie, the movie delivers precious little in the way of actual thrills or scares, though it does deliver the gore.  To be fair, the acting performances are pretty good across the board, but I would expect no less from Thomas Jane and Andre Braugher.

I understand someone reading this might feel like I am too thin skinned or that I am taking things personally – after all it is just a movie.  However as an Army veteran and a Christian I have the right to express how much this movie bothers me.  Your mileage may vary.

Rating: 2/5  

Sweeney Todd was really enjoyable.  The music is well done, the scenery is fantastic, and the acting is great.  It is always a joy to see Alan Rickman acting, and of course Johnny Depp does an amazing turn as the Demon Barber of Fleet Street.  Be warned though, this movie is a true musical.  Barely 30 seconds passes between songs, so if you don’t like singing, give this a pass.  However, if you want a good musical and a great story about the passion of revenge, try one on for size.

Rating: 3/5  

This movie could have been a Coen Brothers movie it was so good.  The movie stars Morgan Freeman, Casey Affleck, Ed Harris, and several others you will recognize.  It has great dialog, fantastic characters that range from good, evil, and every shade in between.  The story has several twists, surprises, and several very intense scenes.  Casey does a remarkable job as a private investigator called in to help track down an abducted child.  Netflix it ASAP.

Rating: 4/5  

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

I won’t lie, this is one of my all time favorite comedies.

I introduced this movie to most of my friends and they all love it now too.  Back in the day before we all went our separate ways, we would get together periodically and watch this movie at least once a year.

Why it is such a great movie?  Well Roger Ebert, whom I normally don’t agree with, says it much more eloquently that I ever could, so if you want his professional review, here you go.

If you still are reading this and want a zombie’s view, well here you go…

Wait a minute, have you never actually SEEN the movie?  Shame on you.  Add it to your Netflix Queue or whatever right now, I will still be here when you get back.

If you have seen it and you want to refresh your memory, or if you want to spoil yourself, you can go catch the Top Ten moments in the film.  To be fair, there are probably hundreds of moments that could have been chosen, but those ten are pretty darn funny.

This movie is more than just a buddy/journey movie.  More than the story of the uptight, anal-retentive, high powered marketing executive who gets stuck with the down to Earth, affable shower curtain ring salesman (The Best Shower Rings in the World!) and their misadventures as they travel across a large portion of America.  This movie is 93 minutes of powerful human emotion, covering the spectrum from out loud bell laughs to heart breaking loneliness.

The movie seems to deliberately start off formulaic, but I am convinced the purpose of that is just to cause the viewer to let their guard down.  The movie is so much more nuanced than the opening allows you to believe.

The first signs of the depth of the movie are realized at the Braidwood Inn when Neal Page (Steve Martin) has FINALLY had enough of Del Griffith (John Candy) and just rips into him.  At first the audience is laughing at the rantings of an uptight man pushed to the edge until the camera cuts to Del.  As we see his face fall as each barb hits home we begin to realize that this is no ordinary comedy.  The pain on Del’s face is as real as Hollywood can make it:

Del Griffith: “You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I’m an easy target. Yeah, you’re right, I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you… but I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings. Well, you think what you want about me; I’m not changing. I like… I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. ‘Cause I’m the real article. What you see is what you get.”

In that moment we the audience realize that Del Griffith isn’t just some comedic foil, he is a lonely and good hearted man who honestly likes and cares about people and John Candy delivers everything here with care and earnestness.

The nuance extends to many comedic elements in the film that could easily be missed, but they are still there to be seen by some.  For example, when our traveling duo meet the unforgettable Owen (Dylan Baker) who is going to give them a ride to Stubbville, there is a tiny scene embedded in the middle of a stream of larger comedic moments as the pair begin their journey home in earnest:

Del Griffith (John Candy) shakes Owens hand as Owen spits out some chewing tobacco and gets a little dribble on his chin just as Neal Page (Steve Martin) goes in for the handshake.  In the span of about a quarter of a second, Owen wipes the tobacco spittle off of his chin with his bare hand and then immediately shakes Neal’s hand much to Neal’s chagrin.

In that split second, John Hughes and Steve Martin craft a scene that adds depth to Neal’s character without any extra dialogue.

The movie can also be ham-fisted when it is called for and the results are hysterical.  The most famous of these scenes is when Neal Page gets dropped off in a huge rental car parking lot with keys to a rental car that isn’t there.  The end result is a diatribe delivered by Steve Martin which includes a staggering 18 F-BOMBs in less than a minute (which caused this movie to receive an R-rating).   That scene alone, while not fit for children, is pee-your-pants hysterical, and there are many more scenes to enjoy.

Ultimately the movie is about relationships and growth  As we journey through the movie we see Neal Page rejoin the human race, and we also see the agony and pain Del Griffith hides from the world so that he won’t bring anyone else down.  I have seen this move dozens of times, and that final scene where Neal finally puts it all together and confronts Del still brings tears to my eyes.

Maybe it is because on some level I fear being like Del (who I have a lot in common with I think), or maybe I fear being like Neal (who I also have a lot in common with).  Maybe though, it is just because it is a powerful and human scene and you would have to be a burned out cold-hearted cynic to shrug it off.

I miss John Candy.  Steve Martin says this is his favorite movie, who are you to argue with him?

Rating: 5/5  

The Replacements

The Replacements.

Basically the story is about pro football players going on strike with four games left in the season.  The owners decide to bring in replacement players (hey, there’s your title!) and we follow one specific team, the Washington Sentinels.

This movie follows the Sports Film Underdog Triumph Recipe to perfection.

First we meet the replacement players and hear their individual stories of woe and misfortune:

The wide receiver who is super fast but has hands like bricks and can’t catch a ball to save his life.

The enormous sumo wrestler center who doesn’t know how to block or play football.

The kicker, an out of shape gambler who can still kick a country mile.

A preacher who in his youth actually made it to the Pros, only to play one game and receive a career ending injury.  He is back and ready for a second chance.

My personal favorite – the tight end who can actually play, it’s just that… well, he’s deaf.

And finally, the washed up quarterback – now professional boat cleaner, Shane Falco – played by Keanu Reeves.  As a quarterback Shane Falco can only be relied upon to do one thing, choke under pressure.
Following the Recipe, they can’t come together and they lose the first game due to a lack of trust, infighting, and a failure of leadership on the part of the QB.

As the Recipe dictates, mix with a small victory to form a tight bond.  This is accomplished when the Replacements brawl with the pro football players they replaced, ending with the Replacements being in jail where they bond and come together as a team.

Hot on the trails of their bonding experience they play again and this time, they win.

Finally when faced with their ultimate challenge, in this case the knowledge that the strike is over and their dreams of being pro football players are once again finished, they come together for their final game, defeating the defending champions who crossed the picket line en mass to face the Replacements.

There is sacrifice, injuries, blood, pain, and sardonic humor in their struggle.  In the end you smile and feel good and really, how much more can a movie deliver?

I know there are film snobs out there that would turn their noses up at this film, but forget them, this movie delivers in the MOST important category – FUN.  Funny dialog, good sports footage, good music, GREAT cheerleaders, comedy action, John Madden and Pat Sommerall calling the games, and much more, you should rent it!

It also has a LOT of great lines in it:

“I’ve seen monkey-shit fights at the zoo that are more organized that this.”

John Madden: “I think that guy’s smoking… on the field.”

Coach McGinty: “Sometimes a game like that really sticks with you.  You never shake it off.”

Shane Falco: “Got three concussions to prove it.

Coach McGinty: “That’s why girls don’t play the game.”

Finally, the cheesiest yet most truthful reason that explains every stupid and or dangerous thing every man has ever done:

“Pain heals, chicks dig scars… Glory lasts forever”

Pure cheesy goodness.

Rating: 4/5